Eat your Tweeties (part 1)

John / May 3, 2017

I’m leaving twitter but wanted to preserve some of my tweets from over the years.  This is part 1.

  • Whenever the TV has a signal issue, I wait a few seconds expecting The #Joker to appear and announce he will drop a million bucks on #Tulsa
  • I like to think my twitter obscurity is not a reflection of me, but of the 3 disappointments I call followers. #weneedtotalkaboutyourflare
  • Fat guy photo tip: Be familiar with your face and always photograph with your good chin forward
  • Goatees and fat I.T. guys go together like cookies and milk
  • I’d rather inhale 2nd hand smoke from a thousand fire cigs than ever have to see another douchebag sucking on a vapor e-cig
  • Is setting my screensaver as #thematrix still the “techy” thing to do?
  • Will my tax bill be prorated to reflect the days I was without service? #shutdown
  • BAD NEWS: Due to #shutdown, Govt not funding road maintenance. GOOD NEWS: Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads… #1.21jiggawatts
  • It’s #FF, the day of the week when I get to feel like the last kid picked in gym class.
  • Lets plan now to start #UnfollowSunday and make space on your “following” list for chunktek. They dont love you like I love you. #Sunfollow
  • They say #fashion trends repeat, so when do we get to wear capes? Did that cycle fall on a leap year or something, what the hell?
  • I don’t know how I lose receipts to stuff I just purchased on Monday, especially since I’m still wearing the same pants.
  • Can we please act like adults, acknowledge curse words exist, and add them to the #ducking spellchecker dictionaries on tablets?
  • Really though, isn’t it more like a doublevee?
  • Been spending most my life sitting in the lobby of a hipster paradise
  • Fupa in the morning, fupa in the evening fupa at supper time!
  • This #Thanksgiving I’m thankful for my supportive followers so for every new follower you gained me this year, I’ll give you $100!
  • Got static guard on my fleece and sweatpants for the day, #thxgiving is srs bzns
  • I don’t have a #neckbeard, I just have a lot of chins to cover.
  • Have strangers figured out what “Mom can’t come to the phone right now” really means yet?
  • I hope #Amazon drones also start delivering pizza because I could really go for some calzone from the ozone
  • Great news, everyone! I found another Mohican!
  • In my case, they should just rename #Excedrin from “Migraine” or “Extra Strength” to “Daily”
  • It’s almost that time of year when I hide my gut under a fleece for a few months!
  • After all that, the best name Bastian could come up with for the Empress was “Moonchild?”  That’s the type of name you expect when you let a toddler pick their own.
  • Sometimes my face gets lost in all the chins
  • Every few months I need to watch #OfficeSpace just to get my Qi back in balance. #PCloadletter
  • Bake sales, any chance we can bring them out of unappreciative elementary school halls and into my office where they will be loved?
  • Working on a new style of martial arts for fat people, I call it “Kung-FUPA”
  • Chin up, #OSU. One thing NCAA sanctions can’t do is strip you of your national title!
  • So your final position is that surviving multiple #ConsoleWars does not qualify me for veteran status?
  • Not totally outraged about #NSA spying. It’s kind of nice to have 1 follower.
  • I would like to experience a world where I didn’t have to enable “Show hidden files and folders”