Eat your Tweeties (part 2)

John / May 4, 2017

I’m leaving twitter but wanted to preserve some of my tweets from over the years.  This is part 2.


  • Seriously just had a van pull up to me on the road and ask if I want some candy… then held a bag of candy out the window.
  • I wish Help Desk support tiers had colored belts like Karate.
  • Do birds really say “tweet tweet tweet” because I’m starting to think they’re saying “skeet skeet skeet”
  • Is it safe to use my qi charging pad as a drink coaster?
  • I used to work with a guy who brought donuts in for everyone on Fridays. I miss that guy 🙁
  • Bored of I.T. and considering an exciting career in science, but you know what they say… #deGrasse‘s always Greener
  • Surprised my @LuckyCharms cereal mixed w/ @Oreo cookies recipe hasn’t seen more adoption. It’s definitely part of MY complete breakfast.
  • That shameful feeling when you’re stretching out XXL shirts to fit better, just as you once did with L & XL before them. #BobHadBitchTits
  • What if it’s not fat? Perhaps I’m allergic to the glow of computer monitors and always swollen from spending so much time in front of one.
  • When people speak foreign language near me, I make a shocked face & cry so they think I understood them talking about me, in case they were.
  • I eat because I’m sad, I’m sad because I eat, and I’m sweaty because I started a fight club.
  • They say “If you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life.” Well I love drinking beer and playing video games so let’s do this.
  • And now, for my 100th tweet, I will do something never before achieved. Today I become the first person to ever break the 140 character limi
  • Oh, for a moment I thought you said Apple to pay $3b for “Beets by J,” which is something I’ve been working on in my back yard.
  • Do you have any idea how many direct messages a person with 8 followers receives daily? There’s no way I have time to reply to each one.
  • I want to have a pack of Chewy Chips Ahoy for dinner and follow it up with a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies for dessert
  • I can’t say I’ve heard a song where the xylophone didn’t work.
  • Eventually at E3, EA will announce a Battlefield sequel called PTSD where you just see a shrink and look for work. DLC will be upgraded meds
  • Realized today how often I help someone out and then thank them. Need to work on that.
  • As a kid, my baseball card collecting strategy was anchored on one great player. Go fuck yourself, Pete Rose.
  • Good temps in forecast & suddenly weatherman on TV with that shit eating grin… as if he isn’t responsible for the last few weeks of misery
  • One nice thing about my job is how often I get to say the word “dongle” every day. #dongle
  • I look at coffee cups and can’t help but think the Sippy Cup industry is secretly pushing to make kiddy cups acceptable for adults.
  • Sunday mornings, when sinners run errands.
  • Can’t believe Mom is still just jealous it’s the beastie boys. Let it go.
  • Ever the gentleman, Tango did observe the 5 second rule per protocol before devouring my sandwich after I accidentally dropped on the floor.
  • I used to imagine an invincible guy running next to the car, smashing other car windows as they passed. Wonder how thing turned out for him.
  • The nice thing about @CoxComm doubling my data speeds is now I reach the monthly bandwidth cap twice as fast!
  • I would try to eat better but early death is the only retirement plan I have going.
  • Is it a bad thing if your pee tastes like asparagus?
  • Buy oversized clothes, tell people your diet is really paying off, soak them kudos right up into your fat noggin