Personal

Eat your Tweeties (part 3)

John / May 12, 2017

I’m leaving twitter but wanted to preserve some of my tweets from over the years.  This is part 3.

  • Officially changing my status for the next several months… Fleece Mode: Engaged
  • Beards are kind of like “The Force,” if you’re not born with the shit already, then you’re never going to be a fucking Jedi.
  • I get that you’re all about that bass but treble got us here and I think it’s earned a little recognition.
  • Cookie Crisp and me ’bout to rumble
  • After all these years, I’ve yet to receive a single cookie from the Internet… what gives?
  • Cleaning dog hair off my fleece with a lint roller is probably the most #gangsta thing I’ll do today.
  • Negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four a c divided by two a #ThingsINeverNeeded
  • The most defeating part of my Twitter experience is having to tell my own followers I tweeted or else nobody would read them 🙁
  • To the person responsible for changing my jeans from being called “husky” to “relaxed,” you da real MVP.
  • Based on how my life turned out, it’s safe to say Clarissa definitely didn’t explain it all.
  • When PS4 scolds me for not turning it off properly, I leave it on that screen and pull the power cable. I run this shit.
  • If James Lipton were to ever ask me “What sound do you hate?” the answer would be kitchen exhaust fans.
  • My E.D.C. is O.P.P.
  • I don’t really like condiments, but I do like getting my money’s worth. So yes, I will take salt, pepper, and ketchup packets, thank you.
  • I think Apple should change any OS X references of “Administrator” to “Mac Daddy”
  • I hope you bought powerball tickets, @FakeDeweyTulsa cause #WaterInTheRiver ain’t cheap.
  • Zillow likes to email telling how my home value decreased so I am emailing them on days their stock price falls. Not so fun, is it?
  • “Folding Panties” would be a great band name.
  • The only real difference between my current life and college life is that I don’t have to study for tests anymore.
  • We need penalties for @littlecaesars if the pizza is not Hot-N-Ready. Else change the name to Hot-N-Ready-15-Minutes-Later so it’s accurate.
  • My #Surface 3 didn’t come with any Apple stickers in the box. Did someone open it already?
  • I’m unemploye…I mean I’m a “Social Media Strategist”
  • That stage in life where your waist size shrinks while your gut keeps getting bigger. #MalePatternAssLoss
  • Really missed a great opportunity not calling myself JohnRobot
  • I hope Facebook’s new publishing move really takes off, because I’m one of those guys who just wants to watch the world burn.
  • I’m a poet who always knowd it.
  • I’d like to see a “Where are they now?” of TLC’s “Trading Spaces” show but only follow up with the rooms.
  • It doesn’t matter how you slice it, I’m going to eat the whole pizza.
  • I’m about to dip this pizza into this lasagna! @Italy welcome to #America
  • I forget the exact quote but basically it says “When you marry someone you never have to say you’re sorry.”
  • I know we’re still in the early planning stages, but let’s just say Uptown Funk *doesn’t* give it to me… Where does that leave us?
  • Jebediah The Hut… #AmishStarWars
  • If I had the chance to do anything over, my gamertag would definitely be Zack_Snuffaluffagus69
  • Are haikus the original twitter?
  • Someday, when our grandkids look back at our old photos, we’ll have to explain hair gel. #awkward
  • If I got a dollar every time I lost a follower, I could potentially make 12 buckeroos.
  • Wait, so “ninja” isn’t the n-word people always talk about? Then why is it written with a bunch of throwing stars?
  • It’s nice how tough guys can still get away with wearing friendship bracelets, as long as they call it #paracord
  • Who would have ever thought that Doogie Howser would go on to become some kind of force in entertainment…
  • Weren’t we supposed to be cloning wooly mammoths by now?
  • Close the blinds, I don’t want the neighbors to see me using the gas stove to cook S’mores.
  • How many capitalized letters does it take before caps lock is worth it?
  • …something like Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” except it’s just a bunch of annoying gnats.
  • How does twitter know I know so and so?
  • Cooking s’mores just like i did a̶t̶ ̶c̶a̶m̶p̶ last night.
  • Do minimalists get to use emojis?